There are times in our lives, especially while being young, when we feel like nothing goes our way. Everything starts to feel like its falling apart, and we end up believing that everything in our life isn’t fair. It becomes easy to rage at God for being unable to see the things ahead, the good things He has waiting for us. We stop noticing His unconditional love and the blessings He pours out on us when we don’t deserve it. His grace reaches out for us, only to be rejected rather than accepted.
A little over three years ago, I raged at God like I had never done before. Frustrated with what was going on in my life, I blamed Him for things I thought He was purposely putting me through. I was angry and all I wanted was for Him to take my burdens away, and make my life easy. While I complained about my life, I realize now, that He was probably looking at me with sadness, wishing He could make me understand that I needed to be patient with Him, and understand that there were blessings coming my way.
Being the oldest of my siblings, and my mom as a single parent, I had to help with the bills at home. My part time job wasn’t enough to help my family, so I tried working a full-time job in addition to it. My day started at 5am. I would get up, drive to pick up a co-worker, then drive in traffic into the city of Buckhead. I worked as a housekeeper at this nice hotel right next to the Lennox Mall. I worked there from 8am to 4pm, and then hurried to my next job at the Sugarloaf Mills Mall in Lawrenceville, where I worked from 5pm to 9:30pm.
One of the days I worked at the hotel, I became very frustrated. Exhausted, and tired of rushing trying to get my job done to go to the next, I began having a hard time with a pillow. I was making a bed, and one of the pillows would just not fit into its pillow case. I could feel my anger building up, but I didn’t try to control it. That anger became rage. I threw the pillow on the bed as hard as I could and began to punch it. I began raging at God, asking why I had to be in that place. Why after everything I had been through with my family did I have to be put through this. I complained telling Him how unfair it was that I wasn’t in school or doing things other people my age were enjoying. I cried asking Him to make me understand why I had to go through this. In that lonely hotel room, I heard nothing but my own sobs.
I was upset for a few days, and too tired to think positively. I didn’t feel the want to trust in God’s promises, or believe in the blessings He may have had in stored for me. If He had something to say, I didn’t not want to listen anymore. I tried shutting Him out, and pushed myself to believe that I could figure things out on my own without His help.
A few days later, I got a call for a job I had applied to months before. I had not been that happy and relieved in such a long time. This job would pay me more than what I was earning at both my jobs combined! Ashamed I went to my car after work that day and cried. I was ashamed of myself for not having the heart to at least thank God that I had not just one job, but two. Ashamed that even while I was not willing to trust in Him, He was still working on answering prayers for me. I was wasting my time thinking that my life wasn’t fair, and I blamed God for it. Meanwhile, because of his grace, I received what I didn’t deserve.
Sometimes we don’t realize that God’s grace is right in front of us for us to accept because we are stuck raging, and looking up at Him, questioning His authority and His timing. God never abandons us, and His grace hasn’t run out. God gives us what we don’t always deserve and in doing so, He hopes to somehow make us believe in Him and His promises unconditionally.
Finally, I’ll leave you with this quote, “When you’re tempted to rage at God because life isn’t fair, remember, grace isn’t fair either.”
Sincerely,
Heidi